Breakup by Catherine Texier

Author:Catherine Texier
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Knopf Doubleday Publishing Group
Published: 2016-08-17T04:00:00+00:00

This morning, having slept nine hours of deep sleep, relaxed because—whatever that means—“I am letting you go,” or “I am letting go,” I am afraid that, at some unconscious level, I may have provoked this to happen. As if I was reenacting a primal scenario of abandonment.

I’ve never loved without fear of being abandoned, I’ve never loved without being afraid to lose the love. I’ve never loved without—at one point or another—clutching or clinging, as if I couldn’t believe that a man could stay with me freely.

I am letting you go, and it’s scary because you are my love. I know it’s right because I sleep so well and I can finally let myself go. I am opening my arms: I don’t own you. You are free.

I finally heard you: the relationship we had is over.

There’s exhilaration in the gesture of letting myself drop. There’s exhilaration in the fall. Feeling the body tumbling and rolling freely, feeling the muscles stretch. Not knowing where I will land but trusting, somehow, that life will welcome me.

I don’t want to talk to anyone today. Talking about you is still holding on to you. Clutching the phone receiver to my ear and calling up your ghost.

Go, I think to myself. And I feel the knot loosen up inside of me.

Go, I think to myself. And I see you relax visibly in the house.

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